the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
