Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
