sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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