Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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