Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
