so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
