I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
