I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
