K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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