just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
