Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
