Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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