i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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