Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
