she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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