I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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