I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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