4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
