Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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