she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
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I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
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You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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