I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
