I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
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i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
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Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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