Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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