Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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