The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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