im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
