New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Randomize
