maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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