I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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