Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
