Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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