Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
