how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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