thus making me awesome and them whores
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
