life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
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Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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