I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
