you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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