Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
