I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
