Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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