After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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