omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
