im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
