Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
