ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
