So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
