I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
