but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
