just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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