if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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