I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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