Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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