I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
